The Random...FUNNY...Quotes game

[tlionheart78]

Okay. I've been going through some VERY tough times, and I (and I'm sure all of us) need a good laugh. A really, REALLY good laugh. This is a spin-off from Ashley's "Random Quotes Game" where all you guys need to do is just give the funniest, hilarious quotes you can think of. They can run from comedians, comedies, movies, life, whatever! Just like in the old original thread, be sure to give the source of your quote. Credit where credit's due!

I'll start off:

"Every fight is a food fight...if you're a cannibal."
-Demetri Martin, This is a CD

[Ashley Benlove]

I went straight to the show that follows KP on my list....

"What a day. One sad person after another."
"Rose, you work at grief counseling. What do you expect, comedians?"

-- Rose Nylund and Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls: "The Engagement" (also known as the pilot), Season 1, episode 1

[Quin Separable]

ME: You're a combination of both [geek and nerd].
BF: Hey, you're the one who married a chess player!
ME: What!?
BF: *pause* Uh did I just say what I think I said?
ME: *nods* Funny how I don't remember...

~Heh, got to love the slip of the tongue Me and my boyfriend a few days ago

[tlionheart78]

These are great!

"I haven't slept for ten days. That would be too long, man."
-Mitch Hedberg, Strategic Grill Locations

[Ashley Benlove]

Turk: If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.
Carla: That's sweet - while your mother lays there dying!
Turk: [to J.D.] Tell her.
J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.
Turk: It'd be awkward at first but, I'd make it work... because I love my mom.
J.D.: Mmm... and I would love her too!
Carla: New low.

-- Scrubs, "My Clean Break" Season 3, Episode 11

[tlionheart78]

"I was at Arby's the other day and I was like, 'Oh ****, I should take somebody's order.'"
-Zach Galifianakis, Live at the Purple Onion

[FarAwayGirl]

Hollie- I don't have any cash, but I got this Arby's cupon.
Doug- That's as good as cash in this house

From the King Of Queens

[kp/hp-lover]

[tlionheart78]

"When you have a fat friend, there are no see-saws. Only catapults."
-Demetri Martin on Comedy Central Presents

[chocoholic1]

(On seeing dead spirits floating in the water)
RAGETTI: Wonder what would happen if we were to drop a cannonball on them.

--Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

[tlionheart78]

ARTHUR (Graham Chapman): Old woman!
DENNIS (Michael Palin): Man!
ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven.
ARTHUR: I-- what?
DENNIS: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.
ARTHUR: Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.
DENNIS: Well, you could say 'Dennis'.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Dennis'.
DENNIS: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman', but from the behind you looked--
DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR: Well, I am King!
DENNIS: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By exploiting the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--
WOMAN (Terry Jones): Dennis, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! How d'you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady? I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who's castle is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
ARTHUR: The Britons.
WOMAN: Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. We are all Britons, and I am your king.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS: You're fooling yourself. We're living in a dictatorship: a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes--
WOMAN: Oh, there you go bringing class into it again.
DENNIS: That's what it's all about. If only people would hear of--
ARTHUR: Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
WOMAN: No one lives there.
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don't have a lord.
ARTHUR: What?
DENNIS: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week,...
ARTHUR: Yes.
DENNIS: ...but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting...
ARTHUR (impatiently): Yes, I see.
DENNIS: ...by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,...
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: ...but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major--
ARTHUR: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.
ARTHUR: I am your king!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Well, how did you become King, then?
ARTHUR: The Lady of the Lake,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur.
[singing stops]
THAT is why I am your king!
DENNIS: Listen. Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Be quiet!
DENNIS: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR: SHUT UP!
DENNIS: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
ARTHUR: Shut up, will you? Shut up!
DENNIS: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR: Shut up!
DENNIS: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
ARTHUR: Bloody peasant!
DENNIS: Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?

-Political Peasant Scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"

[Quin Separable]

REVIEWER: your videos usually suck but this one "broke the habit" and was very good, well done
ME: Erm thanks...I think? *to myself* Was that an insult or a compliment?

-a review on YouTube to a "Breaking the Habit" video of mine.

[Luke Danger]

Trevor: I think it's safe to say we've been spotted... - Secret Weapons over Normandy.