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Post by The Marvelous Me on Nov 29, 2005 21:42:31 GMT -5
I'm working on a sequel to my first story Love Flown From a Christmas Tree. So far I have written chapters one, nine, and ten. I was hoping that someone could proofread the chapters for me before I submit them to fanfiction.net and kpfanfiction.com. Anyone who would be willing to do so would be greatly appreciated.
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Post by The Marvelous Me on Dec 1, 2005 4:33:40 GMT -5
Here is a preview of the first chapter:
The sun shone in threw the window upon the sleeping woman with red hair. She rolled over stretching her arm out as if she was reaching for something. Her eyes are immediately opened when her hand feels nothing but the mattress beside her. ‘James’ she thinks to herself. It was apparent from the undisturbed pillow next to her that her husband had not been to bed last night. ‘I guess Kimmie didn’t come home last night’ Mrs. Dr. Possible thought. She climbed out of bed and put on her robe before heading downstairs. Sure enough there was her husband with a cup of coffee sitting at the kitchen table.
“James dear did you get any sleep at all last night” his wife asked him while she poured herself a cup of coffee. “Kim didn’t come home last night” said the other Dr. Possible. James sat there continuing to think about just where his little girl was and why should hasn’t come home yet. ‘Probably out with some boy’ he thought. James was obviously upset with his daughter and rightfully so. Still his wife tried her best to calm him down telling him that a mission probably came up.
Out back of their two-story home Dean and Barbara Stoppable stood inside the tree-house looking down upon a pair of sleeping teens. “Should we wake them or not” asked Dean Stoppable to his wife. “Not yet” she said “I want to get a picture first. By the way how did you know they were up here?” “I didn’t know Kim was up here only Ron. I ran into Rufus this morning when I went outside to get the paper” replied Mr. Stoppable. “I’m going to get my camera, I’ll be right back. Be quiet and don’t wake them” his wife told him as she descended the ladder.
Inside of the house Mrs. Stoppable paused by the phone to give the Possibles a quick call. They had probably been up all-night worrying about Kim just as she and her husband had been worrying about Ronald. She picked up the receiver then dialed the numbers. The phone rang into her hear ring, ring, ring. After the third ring Mrs. Possible had picked up. “Hello” she said. “Hi Anne its Barbara.” “Well hello Barbara how are you?” “I’m fine. I thought you might be worried about Kim so I called to tell you that I found her.” “Where” asked Mrs. Dr. Possible. “She’s sleeping in the tree-house with Ronald. Apparently they’ve been up there all-night. Dean and I only found them a few moments ago.” “Ohh I’m so relieved. James was up all-night. I’m just glad she’s okay. Could you please send her home immediately?” “I will Anne, I just want to get a picture first. They look so cute together. Ohh and don’t worry I’ll make sure to get duplicates for you.” “Thank-you Barbara” said Anne. “Goodbye.” Barbara said good-bye as well and then hung the phone up. She got her camera and went back to the tree-house to get her pictures.
After taking about five or six pictures Dean and Barbara decided to wake the two sleepy-heads and so they did. After a bit of awkwardness Kim and Ron felt upon being discovered by his parents they said their good-byes and Kim was off towards home.
If wanted, I will continue to post updates as they occur.
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Post by jmt2005791 on Dec 1, 2005 4:46:27 GMT -5
cool i like it. although i'm not a great proofreader i could do it for you.
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Post by The Marvelous Me on Dec 1, 2005 4:56:09 GMT -5
I'm really just concerned about things making sense. My first story Love Flown From a Christmas Tree, I wrote in a script format because it think in those terms. For this story I'm trying to do a more traditional short story format and want to make sure everything from who says what to the plot makes sense. Any help you could give would be greatly appreciated.
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Post by jmt2005791 on Dec 1, 2005 4:58:02 GMT -5
i'll have to read the first story real quick. but i'll be happy to help in any way i can.
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Post by jmt2005791 on Dec 1, 2005 11:04:11 GMT -5
i just finshed reading the first story. it was very, very good. on a scale of 1-10 10 beeing the best i've read. it was a 9.8. i'm interested in this new one. i saw a grammer mistake in one of the chapters. you said "black after back flip" instead of back after back flip. you did a really good job on it. i didn't notice any story problem in it. it was a perfect story to go along with the series form crush on.
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Post by The Marvelous Me on Dec 1, 2005 17:13:55 GMT -5
Thank-you very much. It's always nice to hear that your work is appreciated. Here is some more of chapter one. I will post the rest tommorrow.
“Hello” Kim called out upon entering her home. “Mom? Dad?” “Kimmie” her mother cried out while pulling her into a tight hug. “KIMBERLY ANNE POSSIBLE YOU ARE IN DEEP TROUBLE” her father bellowed from the kitchen. Kim pulled away from her mother as her father appeared in the doorway. She ran over to him to give him a hug. “I’m glad your alright” her father said while hugging her.
For the next hour Kim filled her parents in on what had happened the previous night telling them almost everything. She left out some of the more personnel details but they still got the gist of it. So it got to be known that Kim would be grounded for the week. That meant no leaving the house, no phone, no computer, no Kimmunicator (unless an important mission came up) and no one was allowed over. “Not even Ron” asked Kim with the puppy dog pout. “Should we tell her now or make her wait” her father asked her mother. “Well Ron can come over since he’s going to be staying with us for the week” Anne told her daughter. “Huh” came the reply for the confused younger red-haired Possible. “His mom called last night to ask if Ronald could stay with us this week. This was of course before we knew about the two of you.” “Which means that he’ll be sleeping in the guest room alone. There will be no hanky-panky going on. Am I clear” Mr. Dr. Possible asked his daughter continuing where his wife had left off. “Loud and clear” Kim said with a smile on her face.
The next morning Kim woke up to the sun shining down on her face. She went downstairs to pour herself a bowl of cereal and have some coffee. In the kitchen her mother was finishing up some dishes. She had just gotten a bowl out of when a mechanical robot nearly knocked her off of her feet. While trying to regain her balance Kim felt two breezes blow past her as her two younger twin brothers Jim and Tim chased after their robot. “TWEEBS” shouted Kim after regaining her balance. “Jim, Tim no running in the house” her mother yelled.
Sitting at the table now Kim feeds the cereal into her mouth while her mother talks about news at the hospital. “Mom” the young red-head interrupts her mother, “when is Ron getting here?” “His mother said they will drop him off at ten.” “TEN” semi-screamed Kim. “It’s almost nine I have to get ready. Why did you let me sleep so late?” “What do you have to do dear? It’s not like your going out on a big date or anything. I’m sure your normal Saturday-lounging-around-the-house-clothes will be just fine.” “Uggh” Kim cried while flailing her arms in the air and marching upstairs.
"Mom shouldn't Ron be here by now" asked Kim. It was going on past noon and Ron should have been there an hour ago. "Your right" said her mother. "Let me give the Stoppables a call." While her mother went to call the Stoppables, Kim sat down at the kitchen table. Thinking about the events of the other night, Kim was lost in a deep space of happiness that she hadn't experienced before. So far into her mind was she that Kim did not notice her mother come back into the room nor did she hear her call her name the first few times. "Kim did you hear what I said" asked her mother. "Sorry mom I must have zoned out" answered Kim. "I said that Mrs. Stoppable said that Ronald called her last night and that he was supposed to spend the night here. At least that's what he told his father." "But he's not here. He went out to eat with dad last night and..." Kim was saying but her mother cut her off. "JAMES" she called out. "Yes dear" replied Mr. Dr. Possible as he entered the kitchen. "After dinner did you take Ronald home last night?" "Actually no. Kimmie dear I'm afraid that you won't be seeing Ronald anymore." "What do you mean dad?" "I told Ronald what would happen if he disappointed me and the other night he did so I did what I had to do." "James what did you do?" "I sent Ronald on a deep space probe." "NO!!" cried out Kim. "How could you do that? You *******! I hate you." If Kim's words did express her anger at the moment the force of her fist connecting with her father's jaw sure did. Lying on the ground holding his jaw Kim's father looked up at his crying daughter run out of the house. Running down the snowy street with tears freezing upon her face Kim pulled her Kimmunicator out of her pocket. She was not supposed to use as part of her punishment and as such her parents put a lock on it. Wade however had installed a bypass setting incase an emergency arose. This was definitely an emergency. "Wade" Kim said trying to be calm and rational despite the fact that she was anything but. "I need a ride to the space station." "Kim what's going on" asked her younger cyber-tech friend. "My dad sent Ron on a deep space probe. I'm going after him." "I got you on GPS lock Kim. A car will meet you at the corner of Wilma and Vine in five minutes." "Thanks Wade you rock." Kim pushed the button on her small blue PDA like device and then stuffed it back into her pocket. She arrived at the corner of Wilma and Vine in four minutes and sure enough a car pulled up a minute later.
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Post by jmt2005791 on Dec 1, 2005 18:59:45 GMT -5
whoa! what a shocker. great stroy plot. i would have never saw that coming. good work.
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