A Life Lived Well

[surforst]

Well was going through my account and found this short story. Reread it myself and actually enjoyed it. Who would have thought. Decided to post it here to give you all a chance to look it over.

www.fanfiction.net/s/2652443/1/

Summary: Ron is now dieing after living a long life. His wife of many years it by his bed side for the last conversation they will have in this life time. Even a hero must die eventually.

Rating: K+ because it deals with death.

Anyway post suggestions or reviews for the story. I'm considering writing a prequel for this due to reviewer request. It'll take a few months before the prequel comes out though.

[aridblue]

Interesting... Very interesting twist at the end. Content-wise, it's a typical deathbed scene - not too brilliant but not too shabby either. I would have to say that the twist is kind of out of place (and that's not my K/R self talking). I dunno, it's like the title and the twist don't sync well (I think it's just me). It's good on the grammar and vocabulary front though, can't see any mistakes.

[surforst]

aridblue said:

Interesting... Very interesting twist at the end. Content-wise, it's a typical deathbed scene - not too brilliant but not too shabby either. I would have to say that the twist is kind of out of place (and that's not my K/R self talking). I dunno, it's like the title and the twist don't sync well (I think it's just me). It's good on the grammar and vocabulary front though, can't see any mistakes.

Thanks though the typical part hurt. Here I thought I was a special guy. Anyway the part about the twist being out of place though has me confused. Can you point to a reason why the twist doesn't work with the story. If for example I had used Kim it would have worked out better.

[Raptor™]

Wooooooaaaaah!!!!!! Didn't saw that coming...... Why? Why? Why Bonnie? hehehe

It was a sad, sappy story.... until the end got me in a mixture of emotions...... ;D

[taechunsa]

surforst said:

aridblue said:

Interesting... Very interesting twist at the end. Content-wise, it's a typical deathbed scene - not too brilliant but not too shabby either. I would have to say that the twist is kind of out of place (and that's not my K/R self talking). I dunno, it's like the title and the twist don't sync well (I think it's just me). It's good on the grammar and vocabulary front though, can't see any mistakes.

Thanks though the typical part hurt. Here I thought I was a special guy. Anyway the part about the twist being out of place though has me confused. Can you point to a reason why the twist doesn't work with the story. If for example I had used Kim it would have worked out better.

I have to disagree with Aridblue about the typical part being bad. Personally, I think that it was the normalcy of the scene that made it brilliant and special. This is Ron’s death. This is the death of the man who walked with gods and lived his life by the credo of ‘Never be normal’. However, in the end time wears us all down and makes all the same. A twisted or unusual death scene here would have been trite and in effect really dulled the point of the story that time catches everyone and lays them low.

I do have to agree about the twist being out of place, and it would not have worked any better, in my opinion, if you had revealed Mrs. Stoppable to be Kim. Any revelation of the wife’s identity only raises questions that detract from the better part of the story.

Here is what I left as a review it explains it a little better.

Well, that was good and bad.

There were some grammatical and spelling errors, but nothing major.

The main concept was a brilliant one. I have often wondered about the KP characters at the end of their lives. The secondary concept cheapened the impact, in my opinion.

Your focus is divided in this story. Which isn't good in a really short fic. You should have made a choice between telling a ‘sappy death scene’ (fresh and original) and trying to shock with a Bonnie/Ron pairing (done way too often to be of any use in a story this short).

While I don't automatically have a problem with Bonnie/Ron pairings, I feel that it completely detracts from this story. With one word you shifted this entire story from Ron dealing with his life, the end of his life, and the pain of the loving wife that he left behind (a beautiful character driven story) to a story about what happened to Kim, how did Bonnie and Ron get together (a fairly clichéd plot driven story).

I just feel that this story would have been much more poignant and eternal if you had left the wife's identity vague. With that vagueness comes universality. The wife could have been any of the major KP characters or even an original character and nothing would have been lost. With the inclusion of Bonnie's name the story loses its impact under the deluge of questions that the one word wrought.

In closing, the main part of this was a very well thought out story idea and one that I am glad was written.

[surforst]

Yeah I'm seeing your all point on this one now. I'll keep that in mind for the future. I just wanted to write a Ron/Bon fic at the time so I guess I'm guilty of trying to force the issue. Glad the other stuff worked out though.

This is Ron’s death. This is the death of the man who walked with gods and lived his life by the credo of ‘Never be normal’. However, in the end time wears us all down and makes all the same.

On a whole though I'm happy that this point came across. You know before the twist at the end. I've got to stop doing that. Anyway with that point coming throught that means I did my job as the story teller. Thanks again for the reviews.

[aridblue]

Whoops. I couldn't reply for a while. But I guess taechunsa summed up what I wanted to say.